It probably wasn’t a migraine because I read that they are only supposed to happen on one side of your head, but last night I had the most terrible headache of my life.
It started at about 5PM. It was an intense pounding and pressure behind my eyes. By 8PM I tried to take a nap and that worked until about 9:30PM when I woke up and needed to puke.
I didn’t understand what was wrong with me. I don’t ever get head aches, so a super severe one was dumbfounding. I tried to trace the events of the day to find the source of the headache.
I had made a turkey sandwich for lunch around 1PM. The turkey was about 8 days old. Maybe I had food poisoning. But it had been in the refrigerator the whole time!
Hmmm… Well, I didn’t eat it until it was about 5 days old. My aunt covered it in gravy last sunday when she gave it to me. When I made the first sandwich with it, I actually washed it off in the sink, under hot water, to get all the congealed gravy off of it so I could make a sandwich out of it.
Maybe the faucet water introduced a bacteria to the turkey that then formented for the next three days…
Or maybe the knife I used somehow transferred bacteria from the turkey into the mayonnaise jar, that then fermented for the next three days and got put back on my second sandwich…
Hmmm… I don’t know. Everything had been kept in the cold fridge, so it didn’t make sense to me.
I drank a glass of water just incase. The first time I vomited, little to no turkey came up. I was having dry heaves, so maybe some extra water would help get the turkey out. It didn’t. A half hour later I puked up the water, but nothing else.
Oh! Agony! After the first puke, something went wrong in my left temple. I was getting shooting pains whenever I moved my mouth. Did I pull a face muscle puking? Jesus…
Before the puking started, I thought something else might be causing the headache. Maybe I was getting Carbon Monoxide poisoning. My apartment has a weird gas heater mounted right on a wall in the front room. The weather was so nice earlier in the day, I actually opened a window to air out the apartment and turned off the heater. Later, it was cold so I closed the window and turned the heater back on.
Maybe the cold air broke the heater? Maybe it got clogged up and it took fresh air to make me realize how bad the heater was making the air in my apartment? It didn’t seem very plausible, but maybe.
By 11PM I was shivering – because I turned the heater off – and hunched over my laptop, looking up migraine causes and fixes on the internets. I couldn’t find anything solid. However, all of my hunches were actual, viable symptoms. It might have been food poisoning, it may also be carbon monoxide poisoning. Ugh.
The only tip the internet could give me was to go back to sleep. Sleep was the only reliable source of comfort. I shuffled to bed, made nest of pillows for my neck and eventually fell asleep.
At which point I started to dream a strange series of lucid breakthroughs. It was as if I had a brain tumor and was suddenly bequeathed super natural intelligence. The nature of all things were clear to me. I thought back to some of the info I read online but hadn’t put together until then.
- Caffeine can help soothe a headache because it opens up blood vessels in your brain.
- Nicotine can cause a headache because it floods your brain with dopamine production.
- I didn’t have any caffeine today! I didn’t go out to lunch. I stayed home and made TURKEY SANDWICH!!!
- Then, I had a cigarette!
So, since I normally have caffeine EVERY DAY, my brain must’ve been getting used to it. Since I didn’t have any yesterday, my brain blood vessels must’ve been extra small. Then, by having that after lunch cigarette, I totally overloaded them with dopamine.
That was it! I must’ve realized this as I fell asleep, but with the precisely contrived pillow position, I was feeling no headache, so I didn’t get up to make myself some coffee, or go out to drive and get some Mountain Dew. I just slept. Until about 3:30AM. I got some water. I still had the headache, but it was lessening.
After that point I woke up every hour and half to get a drink of water. The headache was gone.
Throughout the night, the secrets of the world unfolded themselves to me. Anything I tried to think about I could understand. I was probably just hallucinating from the pain, but I tried to make the most of it. I specifically thought about the Pythagorean Theorem and tried to remember the Quadratic Equation. But I all ready understand the Pythagorean Theorem, and I couldn’t remember the Quadratic Equation, so I guess that all of my mental breakthroughs were limited to caffeine related quandaries.
Along those lines, I understood why people always connect coffee and cigarettes. One actually, physically enables and intensifies the enjoyment of the other. The more caffeine you drink, the bigger your blood vessels get, the more dopamine and nicotine you can absorb!
Today I tested my theory. I went to El Rey for lunch and had a 20oz Mountain Dew. Then on the car ride home, after my brain vessels were all caffeine-dilated, I lit up Marlboro Menthol Smooth, aka the Peppermint Stick of Cigarettes, and that shit hit me like a Mack Truck. I got all punchy excited and got a weird grin on my face.
I can only assume I found the cause of my headache. Maybe it was food poisoning, I threw out the mayonnaise just to be safe. I’ve got the heater going again and it doesn’t seem to be poisoning me. I’ve also got two 20oz bottles of Mountain Dew in the fridge. Just to be safe.